omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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