Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
