he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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