So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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