I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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