Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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