i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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