MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
