i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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