I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
