The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I FOUND THE LEGS
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You were trust falling into bushes
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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