Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
