Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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