It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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