Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
