Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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