dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
