why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
