Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
