I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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