mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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