So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
