Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She even gives head with a lisp.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
