you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
