I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
