this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
