i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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