I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Randomize
