My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
