this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
