Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
