But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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