i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
