if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
it hurts more in the daytime
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
