my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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