So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
