i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
