I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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