That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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