I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
