I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
