so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
