Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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