His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
