I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
