I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
