I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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