Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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