Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
