I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
